Conspiracy Theories

[benji]

A grouchy Merrick Garland arrived at the gallows in handcuffs and leg irons Thursday morning after stabbing a guard with a shank he had fashioned from his eyeglasses. He had snapped off one of the arms and sharpened it against the concrete floor of his cell, a GITMO source told Real Raw News.

Garland had been crouching in the corner of his cell when a pair of MPs showed up to escort him to his demise, but they, for reasons unknown, ignored standard operating procedures—ordering Garland to face the rear wall on his knees, with fingers interlocked atop his head—and casually stepped inside the cell. His face in his hands, Garland quaked like a frightened animal and told the guards he did not want to die, that his stately and distinguished legacy needn’t culminate in dishonor–asphyxiation, strangulation, or a broken neck.

“Please, I don’t want to die, not like this,” Garland sobbed.

“You’re already dead; you just don’t know it yet,” a guard reportedly said. “You know the drill; hands on your head.”

Swift as a panther, Garland sprung upon the closest guard, shanking him twice in the abdomen. The wounded guard recoiled as his partner emptied a whole can of pepper spray in Garland’s face. His eyes welled up with tears and snot dripped from his nostrils as he dropped the makeshift stiletto and rubbed his swollen eyes with his fingers. Teeth clenched, Garland hissed and muttered imprecations, vowing vengeance upon the guards and their families.