Journal of Other Forum Analysis

[benji]

Kyuuji lore:

All of this with the exception that discovering gender identity as a concept was a eureka moment for me in that I'd always been stuck contextualising my feelings of femininity and desire to be a woman around sexuality (I feel this well of femininity inside me -> I must be gay -> I'm not attracted to men -> ???) and it allowed me a lens through which I could finally start unpacking it properly.

As Osu says above, not feeling 'trans enough' to be trans and simultaneously being desperate to find anything else it could be that truly fits are very common things for people to go through prior to acceptance. I had a full year determined to make the non-binary label work, desperate for that to be enough to resolve the problems through things like nail polish without detonating all that I held close and dear to me. I knew, deep within me, that if I opened the Pandora's box of 'trans woman' that that femininity I felt in me would flood me like a vessel and that terrified me with all it would mean.

So I ran from it, scared to stare it in the face and intent on only allowing what could comfortably co-exist with this life I had built. Across the span of that year though the reality began to erode at these attempts, and eventually in the span of a short amount of time I watched Portrait of a Lady on Fire, played The Last of Us: Part 2 and listened to The Caretaker by Half Waif. The bells of resonance ringing inside me from various aspects of each, on top of all I knew I was desperate to keep at bay, became too much to ignore and eventually I accepted (which to me felt more like relented) that I was a trans woman.

https://www.resetera.com/threads/how-do-i-tell-if-im-trans.916695/

I actually read this now and look how fucking vain and narcissistic it is. And obsessed with labels that are completely irrelevant and based on ignorant stereotypes. And so utterly fucking superficial by targeting "finding yourself" in a way that "yourself" is completely perfect and the only errors are in how you're classified. I'm a mess but if only people stereotyped me properly they'd make me Godkingqueen of a "video game" forum!