Red Letter Media

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[killamajig]

[Eric Cartman]

DEALS AND OFFERS ARE 🔥❤

[Nintex]

Truely a dynamic character

[chronovore]

I saw this for the first time last year and am disturbed how much I agree with them. Verhoeven is an astonishing director, but I don't understand where he was going with this one.

[killamajig]

Mike and Jay are back for another Mike and Jay Talk About video where Mike and Jay talk about the movie Dinner in America, a punk rock coming of age suburbia dystopian love story. This is an addendum to our Half in the Bag Kyle Gallner triple feature extravaganza!

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[killamajig]

Spoiler:  (click to show)(click to hide)

Does it happen? Why yes it done! Hello, and welcome to yet another internet™ YouTube™ video about Star War™. My name is Krebs Gorlon official spokesperson for Red Letter Media™. The clowns known as Rich Evans and Mike Stoklasan famously known for having zero association with P. Diddy (formerly Puff Man). Today Mike and Rich decide to finally make a minimal effort to catch up on the world of a Star War. A world they has decided to shrug off years ago after a clone of Emperor Palpatine was used as a desperate attempt to make cheap cash from a brain-dead audience of clowns and sh*theads. Mike and Rich both loathed Rogue One: A Star War Story. Ever more they loathed the love for its' bland characters like Gem Klebstone, Korla Blargbon, Phib McP-Diddy, and especially Cassian And/or. They saw Rogue One as a bad sign. A “remember this” orgy of pointless action scenes and a film awash in Star War c*m. Star Wars porn essentially. Not much to admire about the writing. A dumb man’s science fiction film. So when a series about Cassian Andor, a character destined to die after a Grand Moff Tarkin with a cartoon face laser blasts a planet, they had no interest. Thankfully, whoever is writing/producing/green-lighting the Star War have made a bold and smart course correction to appeal to people who have IQ’s above 8 (at least on this series). Mike and Rich both very much enjoyed Andor. They discuss the show and the inner workings of what makes a Star War work and what doesn’t. What should be done and what shouldn’t. Now, keep in mind Mike and Rich aren’t super up to date on a Star War. They’ll most certainly get some names wrong. Some places wrong. Shows, characters, settings, events, canon, history, places, people, names, dates, races, planets, movies, books, shows, actors, times, technology, witers, death stars, darth vaders, and star war, but begast you must know how they doesn’t do then on purpose. The house is on a hill, but alas it's not haunted. They try their best despite not caring one bit or nothing like that. They watch shows meant for others not wanting to know more about the Star War. These kind of material can be overwhelming for them as their brains and body are constantly fighting off deadly infection. It can also be incredibly dumb and debilitating. These characters with laser swords always fighting others. Always sad people selling junk or cutting up fish meat. Always a bad ship in space. Always a fighting. Why? But people love this crap. They dress up in the costumes like zombie. Say the names and remember things they know. Cry at the trailers. Cry at seeing a thing they remember on a screen. Fill up their drawers with junk when they see a Jedi or a Darth Something. They see a de-aged Anakin Skywanker and ask about why he ate a Jar Jar Binks for dinner when he became a Darth Vader? They LOVE it without question and Kennedy and Dave F. drool at their masses. The actors  and creators go on stage and smile and drool for that sweet sweet cash. They want to say how much they love being a Jedi or a whatnot. They say they love the fans and that the Star War is a family or a community or whatever, but all these ghouls really love is the checks.

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[killamajig]

It finally happened! The day that we received a package from Breen was the best day since the pandemic started. The slim package that arrived in our mailbox was like a little slice of heaven sent to us from above. A simple mailer that held the truth of which we sought. Cinema. Kino. Joy. I looked at the package, my brow sweating with anticipation. I pursed my lips as I often do in the delicious moments before sipping an ice cold beer. This was just as good. Maybe better. The mailer was that of a simple man. It wasn’t a fancy mailer. It wasn’t padded nor did it have a design on it. In fact, the mailer the DVD arrived in was a cut up cereal box held together with duct tape. I smiled and whispered to myself, “That’s the cup of a carpenter…”. It was here. We received the new Neil Breen film. Was this a Blu-ray? No. This was a DVD-R burned on a computer. I smelled the disc and the jewel case. It smelled like 2003. I cried at the beauty of the whole embarrassing ordeal. It was like a hug from an old friend who had long since passed. A friend you never wanted to see again or allow to hug you. In my hand I held the new Neil Breen film. I couldn’t wait to show the guys! I called Colin from Canada and told him to run to RLM HQ right quick to watch the film with us. He said, “oh, I’ve already seen it. It’s terrible.” And I called him a poutine-slurping, caesar-sipping canuck fuck and told him to get down here to Wisconsin right quick. He responded by saying, “I’ve got work and I’m watching my elderly neighbors diabetic cats and…” I just cut him off. I said, “Look you fucking prick, I have it. Let’s watch it!" So he did come down, albeit unwillingly. What are Neil Breen films? They are moopies made by a man who is the weirdest man to ever live. He’s the perfect oblivious filmmaker. Never getting better or evolving, only getting worse and more lazy and more old and more grandpa jeans. Neil Breen’s films are always about a loner man that has special skills or knowledge above all other humans. There is often a babe involved in his films, although the sexuality is awkwardly placed and seems forced. The women usually look incredibly uncomfortable at the notion of being in love or even attracted to Neil Breen. Likewise, any romance on his part seems obligatory. I guess the thought is that a movie needs “romance” so he must add “romance” But he’s no James Bond! Since this was Breen, we assumed this was worthy of a Best of the Worst™ Spotlight™ episode. It couldn’t simply be lumped into a regular three movie episode. Boy, were we fucking wrong. This pile of trash couldn’t have been more disappointing. Breen has gone too far this time with the green screens! Who does he think he is!?! Peter Jackson? George Lucas? James Cameron?!? I mean, sure you can use a green screen sometimes… if you’re making a fucking Avengers movie!!! But come on! Literally every background, outdoor location, and room is a stock image. A flat shot without movement. I can say that at the very least in some shots he created a foreground mask to make characters integrated into the frame by putting them behind objects, but really? While the story sucks, the acting is bad, it’s boring and shitty, it’s still a Neil Breen film and we have to love it as if it was our own cross-eyed inbred baby with no limbs. Anyways, while I have you here, I own a timeshare in the Cayman Islands. It’s in a nice part of town, but it’s basically a 1.6 million dollar shack. One of the owners killed himself recently and now I’m stuck with paying his part due to a legal snafu. I don’t quite understand it, but my lawyer Phillip Gorlon (no relation) tells me it’ll cost me more in legal fees to get out of this timeshare than to just keep it. I tells him that I’m strapped for cash at the moment, what with the cost of eggs, covid tests, etc… so my question to you is: Do you think Neil Breen might want to shoot his next film in the Cayman Islands? There’s lots of beach (of course) some very interesting shooting locations and a lovely Indian restaurant called Southern Spice that has agreed to do catering. I can lease my place for $42,000 a day and his next film can be called “Island Crossing: Cade’s Offshore Bank Account Scam” and it’ll be a rip-roaring island adventure film about a man who travels to the Cayman Islands to find his lost love, but discovers corruption and injustice and fights for the people with the help of the A.I. chip in his brain. Best thing is if Breen did a Kickstarter for…. Let’s say 1.6 million that could also cover what I’d charge in “insurance” for him to shoot in my Cayman Islands palatial estate. Just throwing that out there. I think the film would come out amazing and there’s be very little green screen. But there’s be lots of green for me if you know what I mean! Then I can finally dump this shitty timeshare property after stupid Rolando put a shotgun in his mouth. What a fucker. I mean, whose wife ISN’T having an affair in today’s economy! – Krebs Gorlon.

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[killamajig]

Spoiler:  (click to show)(click to hide)

Florps Hoggenwarsch once said, “The day four men in their forties spend a lovely afternoon with each other participating in such infallible and wasteful follies instead of putting in a hard days work, well that’s the day I put a pistol in my mouth!” Florps Hoggenwarsch was one of the literary giants of his time (1802 – 1842) as well as a notable cultural critic and observationist. Florps did indeed put a pistol in his mouth whence-forth he discovered that four of his dearest friends spent a lovely afternoon in 1842 reading aloud and mocking amateur books and poems to the enjoyment of a small crowd of other failures. The crowd consisted of toothless town-folk, drunkards, ex-convicts, perverted men, and failed politicians (some crossover) along with some very smart animals. As Florps friends read passages aloud from the failed poets and aspiring novelists of the time, the crowd laughed loudly and chewed on raw potatoes. They threw cornhusks and flatulated freely. These four men (friends of Florps) were in their element though. Having failed miserably at most of life’s endeavors, they found solace (and success) at mocking the attempts of others. They brought much joy to those peasants while they chewed baked wormroot vegetables and picked at their teeth with fish bones. When Florps discovered what his four very dearest friends were doing he was aghast! For Florps, you see, was a highly respected author having published many works including “A Summer Dreary”, “Whistling Willows” and the highly acclaimed “When a Man loves a Small Boy”. Florps knew his career was in danger if HE was ever associated with such ghoulish events. He had two options, take out his pistol and end the lives of his four friends or turn that pistol on himself. He, of course, chose the latter. In the rear of the crowd he made his presence known. “Here Ye! Here Ye!” he shouted. “For I am Florps Hoggenwarsch! And in my last words I proclaim… ‘Those that can’t do! Make YouTube videos!” he then shot himself with his pistol. A silence fell over the crowd as his body fell to the Earth with a resounding thud. The event continued on without any further interruptions. After the show Florps body was placed on a horse cart filled with cornhusks, half-eated gabbygords, manure, and the discarded literature that the townsfolk laughed at. He was buried in a paupers grave. His friends went on to live happily ever after counting their gold coins in their respective castles.

[Eric Cartman]

If anyone was curious

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[killamajig]

Sorry about the out of focus two shot. Both of them thought the other had checked the shot. Mike was drunk and Jay was HAF. They focused each others' shots IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And that is NOT Mike in Lousy Carter. The movie Mike is in is called Lousy Farter. He's also in a movie called "Mike thinks he looks less fat when the shot is out of focus". Jay is also in a movie called "Pig was my favorite movie of the last ten years cause I'm a fucking weirdo". So again, Mike and Jay do not have a crew or a budget or anything else worthwhile in life. They do fail upwards constantly. Or rather, fail sideways. Mike continues failing sideways if you know what I mean. Or he like's to call it "Horizontal Expansion". Mike has just purchased stock in a company that makes belts for overweight bovine. They are looking to expand (pun intended) into the human market by selling their leather belts to portly gentlemen. You may wonder why a cow would need a belt? Or why a cow would wear a leather belt in the first place. The answer: Don't ask you scum. It's none of your business. Mike is gonna have over $5,000 dollars in his bank account when this stock goes public rest assured you fucks. Then he's gonna retire and live the good life on a cattle ranch wearing belts made of his friends.

For those of you (scum) who wish to know who has written this response. It is I, Krebs Gorlon long time RLM pubic relations manager and master of the art of dealing with the pubic. I share Mike's thoughts on these matters. I must admit, I made up the story about Mike investing in cow belts for people. Mike would never invest in such a foolhardy folly after his disaster with Enron. Mike is doing just fine at the moment. That story was what we call "deflection" in the PR biz. It's to get you thinking about Mike wearing a cow belt (a belt made for cows and not a belt made from a cow (although some are) to keep your eyes away from the latest story in the news about Jay. Jay went to Walt's Disney world and was denied entry on the teacup ride. You think the joke might be was that he was too short, but the truth is he was high on cracked-cocaine. Jay was yelling and wearing a tee shirt that read: "Party's Over Fucko". The staff at Walt's Disney world also noticed the track marks on Jay's arms and the fact he was sipping from a flask. That along with the teeshirt gave the staff pause and they made the call to not allow Jay on the ride. Jay threw a tantrum and leapt onto the ride while it was in motion, shattering his pelvis and causing delays in the line up to 3 hours. The incident was captured on cell phone video and can be found on YouTube by searching "Small man breaks pelvis on big teacup ride" however, I urge you not to search for this. Jay is in hospital at the moment and will return to work soon. Mike has told Jay that his "rock star" lifestyle is embarrassing. In an attempt to bring him down to reality Mike has informed Jay that RLM is only the 17,948th most subscribed to channel on YouTube and that he's not so famous he can show up at Walt's Disney World blazing on cracks and causing a pubic scene. This is NOT part of our brand. Stick to belts made for cows or the newest craze, Smart phone necklaces. You know what a lanyard is? You know how elderly people have their casino rewards cards around their neck. I think instead of people keeping their phones in their back or front pockets or even in their purses, all people should wear them around their neck for easy access. I call it a Cell Phone Krebs. I've named this product after myself. Search for it on YouTube by entering in "Small man breaks pelvis on big teacup ride".

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Not really RLM but RLM-adjacent.

[Eric Cartman]

[killamajig]