Random Talk

[Nintex]

Maybe consider going out with women who aren't your type, just to see how it goes, and have "risk free" practice? 

I met my wife when I was uninterested in starting a new relationship, was able to be completely myself, turned out being myself was the key to a good relationship.

Overall my issue over these past few years was never talking to women but being open and available to a relationship.

Before my mom got her psychosis ~10 years ago I was really finding my footing. Girls I was hanging out with would outright tell me what to fix (better clothes, eat more, let me cook for you, drink less, learn these dance moves), to make them (more) interested but I didn't want to share that type of life and drama with anyone. Dad got a heart attack during that same time too so it was mostly up to me to handle everything. I was lucky that I could find a place of my own fairly easiliy but apart from having friends put together Ikea stuff I had to figure out everything on my own. There was really no: "your parents come visit you for tea and biscuits every week because they're curious to see how you are holding up" type of situation. The ladies in my life were asking if they should wear red or blue while I was preventing mom from jumping out of a window. My bro left for Canada mostly because of that. Just to be away from it all, because he couldn't cope.

Next came COVID, just when I was out and about again but the vaccine triggered a bad case of rosacea as a side effect. While some acne from time to time was manageable and no dealbreaker, this was 10x 20x worse. The point where people thought I had some kind of skin cancer. It took about 2 years of anti-biotics and roaccutane to fix. I was all set for my summer vacation 3 years ago, there was a very nice girl over from Georgia to learn a thing or two about online marketing from us. Yet again disaster struck, my dad went through a battle with pancreatic cancer but he stuck his head in the sand and didn't arrange anything for my mom. So in the hospital he panicked and nearly died realizing that he couldn't take care of her in the state he was in and there was no help.

The girl from Georgia jumped up with joy whenever I asked her if she wanted to help run an errand and if it was just me and her. She even visited my town as a surprise hoping to meet up because I told her about the beach and restaurants and everything but I was in the hospital that day. And I didn't want to ruin her good summer with such terrible things so I kept her somewhat in the dark. While she is still friends and a co-worker explained what I was dealing with, I could tell I had dissapointed her and that kind of closed the book on starting anything. This one I regret not acting on the most even if just for a summer fling, because not only is she pretty but a walking piece of art. She has a unique sense of melancholy, style and character. Literally caught between the old Soviet bloc, the modern world and some pagan witchcraft from her grandmas side. Most people thought it was weird to see a girl in 2021 dress up like it was the 80s or 90s. And Dutch people being direct they would ask her if she knew what year it was. But all I needed to do was look in her eyes to be captivated and see the wheels of time.

Spoiler: My Georgian Muse (click to show)(click to hide)

After that things calmed down a little but I had a lot of catching up to do in terms of building the business. The family though, not so great, last year two uncles passed away and moms best friend who was basically my godmother and early this year my mother lost her sister too, who never recovered from the COVID anxiety, remained in lockdown and basically starved herself to death. The funeral was just depressing, there is bad blood between all the remaining sisters, it lasted about 15 minutes, the town had to pay for it because she wasn't insured. She had 2 children, none showed, no one touched any of her stuff or mementos because no one wanted to be responsible for her debts.

So now mom is back at the psyche ward again and I've set boundaries. I'll do two visits a week but I'm not going there every day for weeks, months again.
No easy decision either, during the intake with the psychiatrist they asked if she wanted to kill herself and if there was still anything in life that made her happy and she said those were my visits.

I nearly balked on asking the redhead out because mom took a turn for the worse the weekend after the party. Given all the death and disease I've seen and sacrifices I've made saying "No" is really the worst she could do.

When I got the call this week I was in a meeting with a good client of ours (another redhead go figure) and I told her I had to go because I had to take my mother to the psyche ward and briefly explained the situation. And she sort of teared up as I explained and really needed a moment to process it. She send me a nice email afterwards with all the talking points I missed, words of support, heartfelt wishes and whatnot. Overall I feel I've done right by my parents and I have no regrets about doing the right thing but now it is time to start building my own life again. Considering what I've been through I realized that there isn't anything that can make me give up or stop what I'm doing anyway.

For 2025 I've set two goals, visit my brother in Canada because I've never traveled that far and find a nice girlfriend who wants to enjoy life.